I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize