It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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