i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
