Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm passing your future prison.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize