Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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