Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
