she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
