I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
