Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize