Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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