If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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