Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
