What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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