Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
