we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
