clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
