"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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