It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize