found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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