We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
