Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Did I show you my penis last night?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize