I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
