The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
