Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
