haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
