The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
