my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Blood and glitter go together right?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
