i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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