My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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