my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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