I heard we made out
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
