Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize