I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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