just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
