i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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