Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
