I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
