seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize