Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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