finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
