Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
