Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize