why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
