i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Someone came in the potted fern
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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