I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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