I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize