Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
