Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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