Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
