The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
