It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize