proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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