His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
