i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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