Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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