im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Randomize
