I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
