i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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