I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
