This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
