im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
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