I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
im holly from the hills drunk
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
