You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
