I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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