Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
