Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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