It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
