I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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