We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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