Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize