she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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