I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
