The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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